Will this be separate or together

Girl Talk: A conversation in my Dating GroupMe 

1: So look guys I have a dilemma.  Going on this date with a guy from Austin and I’ve dated another Austin guy that told me chicks in Austin go Dutch on dates. That date went awful and I’m not in the mood to be questioned so should I just order water?

Me and Sissy: order what you want and be prepared to pay for what you want

1: a first date tho?!?!

Everyone: Bih yes!!!

1: I’m all about equality but shouldn’t they be about chivalry??? Dammit!!

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Is it just me or is this a common experience among young women?! I promise I’ve seen about 3 posts on Facebook about this in the last week.  I’ve said this before but there is indeed a cultural dating shift that isn’t properly depicted in much of the media.  Traditionally, the guy (or whoever suggested the date) pays.  But now… that’s not guaranteed!!! All bets are off!!! Before we can even leave the house we are asking ourselves, “Who is paying for this first date? Are we going Dutch?  What should I order?”  And although it shouldn’t matter, it kind of does! And it is kind of disheartening.  I can think of a handful of times this has happened to me and I was pissed.

I  had a refrigerator full of food and planned to cook but only went to dinner to meet ‘boy’ and he tells the waitress separate checks. TF?!?! I could have eaten at the house fool!!!! OR you go out and although you are starving order something cheap or light cause you have food at the house and whip something up back at the house… ONLY for them to pay the tab!!! “Son of a biscuit eating bulldog!!!!” And Lord knows there’s nothing more awkward than sitting at the table and the waitress asks “1 check or separate?” and you haven’t discussed going Dutch and you lookin’ at him, he lookin’ at you, y’all look at each other!!! You don’t know if the brother just cheap or trying not to come off too much bread before he knows if he likes you. (That’s stil kinda cheapo huh?)

I get it, ya know!!! No one wants to be the one footing the bill all the time.  Reality is, everyone has to put skin in the game.  It is a major turn off if you invite me out on a date or first meeting and don’t at least offer to pay. Going forward I will expect to pay my way which means I won’t be dating you. Hell I could date myself if that’s the case.  At least then I wouldn’t have to negotiate on where to go and when.  I could go where I want, when I want, and eat what I want…worry free. If I ask a guy to go have drinks I am expecting to treat at least *ONE* round or foot the bill.

I decided to take this issue across the aisle and asked one of my homies his thoughts on going Dutch.  I think the ladies need to know from the male side. He’s married but has single homeboys.  He’s a college educated, professional, dude with grit; so I knew he wouldn’t give me a simp brotha answer.  So I asked him what it means and why do guys go Dutch.

The male perspective according to “B”

“The Dutch rule causes all types of questions. Nowadays we have women out here trying to get a free meal, and to counteract that, you have men who want sex on the first date. So consider most people have been burnt on dates or even down the road.

If you’re going Dutch (1) communication is key. You never want to get the bill and expect the person to pay and they are shocked that you are asking them to pay for their own bill. Also, find out what she eats or doesn’t eat. You don’t wanna go to a BBQ place and find out shes a Vegan.

(2) Consider the Budget: Who’s going to Ruth Chris?!? Can we go somewhere not so costly? Nowadays everything is an investment. Fifty dollars isn’t a lot of money but it can add up if she’s using you to eat; which some women do and I’m not saying men are any better. That is a different subject. But for the record, going Dutch doesn’t mean 100% the man is broke.  Some do this just to see if you can hold your own.

(3) Chivalry is changing like everything else. A lot of things are devalued overall.  We as a people have turned in to a “what have you done for me lately” generation.   Traditional courting is out the window. You see more and more people out here using people for gain. Especially in the media.  People are consistently trying to distinguish real world vs what they see on TV.  When I was dating I would pay for all meals. It wasn’t until I actually took my wife out that she actually offered to pay; not because it was my birthday or Father’s Day but just because.

All in all,  Communication is Key. If you mention Dutch and she doesn’t agree she may not be the one for you lol.”

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I also discussed this with my mom and she said young women have to be considerate of the fact that food is expensive and they may not have it like that. She also said that unfortunately men won’t communicate that they don’t have it like that.  My answer is plan an inexpensive date.  Don’t invite me out and assume I got coins like that either. The struggle is real for us all. You can plan a date to coffee shop or the park for ice cream or food truck food and do a picnic with food from Eatzi’s (bougie) and some wine.   I would love that!!! But spending some coins is the name of the game. I can agree with being considerate of other people’s coins.  I would never go and order the most expensive thing on the menu unless we were putting it on a corporate card HELLO?! *Faith Evans voice*

Since B hit you with his 3 pointer for Dutch here goes mine ladies:

1. Find a way to communicate who will be paying before the date.

I agree with B; communication is key. But that can be awkward asking “Are you treating?” Because let’s be honest the stereotype is that chicks are just looking for free meals and drinks. So instead of being so direct, you could say something like “I would love to go but I’m budgeting this week on eating out.” That puts him in a position to offer “I didn’t ask you to pay.  I asked you to join me.” Or hit you with the “Aww I feel you shawty.  Maybe next week?”  On the flip side, I know some assertive women that at the end of the meal told their dates, “Either you’re paying or you gone be washing dishes because I’m not paying.”

2. Show up prepared to pay your own way.

My mama always told me “ain’t nothing free from a man” and “always have your own sh**” so with that said, you just need to make like a girl scout and always be prepared.  People get crazy over what they think you owe them if they spend 5 red cents on you. Brang ya wallet, credit card, or have your girl on speed dial.  If you can’t pay your own way you might need to stay at the house.  I know some dudes who live by the motto, “f***, fight, or see tail light.” I’m just saying.

3. Be considerate and keep it classy.

Even if he is paying for the date don’t be reckless with the ordering.  The mood of a date can change quickly.  He could start out intending to pay and then you say or do something he doesn’t like and now you are stuck with the bill.  Or he was trying to feel you out and said Dutch but is really feeling you and has had a change of heart and decides to treat.  In either situation being considerate and keeping it classy is what’s most important.  No one wants to feel used or taken advantage of.  If he switches it up on you or sticks you with your own bill, don’t cuss him out, pay it and give that brother his exit interview if you think it’s worth it.

I would love to hear your stories or opinions especially from the fellas. Also guys, how would you feel if you went on a date, offered to pay and the lady insisted on paying?  Ladies, can you relate to this Dutch dilemma?  What are your rules on going Dutch?

-Dev