Is it Just Me Or…

So I have this dating theory that there is a difference between skill and character and that a lot of people struggle with knowing the difference.

Skills are teachable and learnable.  You can teach someone how to be a better communicator, a better lover in bed, how to dress, or how to be romantic.

Character is a heart, personality, and learned behavior issue.  Things like loyalty, integrity, humility, honesty, trustworthiness, etc. are teachable but it has more to do with a person’s heart than anything.

I’ve discovered in my conversations with my friends that a lot of young adults become frustrated with in the skills stuff and can’t see the heart, character, or personality of the person they are dating.  For instance,  you mad cause he or she doesn’t respond to your text in what you consider a timely fashion. 

Ok well you could have someone that texts you and their 5 other options at the same damn time with lightning speed.  Or he doesn’t have swag or dress well or can’t plan good dates but he’s only planning dates for you.  You could be talking to someone that plans the best romantic dates for you and half the town.

There’s an investigative process you have to go through to decipher whether it’s just skill or character. The reality is everyone doesn’t do things the same way and doesn’t value the same things.  He may not be a texter he may be more of a face to face person.  This person may have a different love language than you.  But if you have a strong preference or expectation and you notice you aren’t getting what you want you should not hesitate to  have a conversation about it. The sooner the better.  It cuts down on a lot of confusion and misinterpretation early on.

I call it Dating Style inquiry. Find out stuff like:

Gender role expectations:  Who pursues? Who initiates?

Preferred communication style: text, talk, or in person

Love Language:

keep in mind that the goal is to meet each other’s preferred way of receiving love and understand the way the other person sends love.

Definitions/Expectations: talking vs dating, casual dating vs exclusive dating, bf/gf and  any other titles and defining those roles

What they are currently looking for: Just having fun, serious relationship, marriage, cut buddies

Don’t get me wrong I believe in organically learning a person too but I also think that sometimes we weigh too heavily on organic stuff and then when there’s a slight rift (esp in the beginning) we stop trying to investigate and just chunk the deuces cuz “ we aint got time for…”

All of this brings me to my pickle….here’s the dill (get it? Ok)

So I started talking to this guy  2 or 3 months ago.  We went on a blind date arranged by a mutual friend.  We’ll name this brotha…Ernest.  The date was cool we talked about life stuff relationship stuff.  We have lots in common; travel, sightseeing, concerts, food, etc. I started the dating style inquiry found out he likes to be the pursuer he does not like aggressive women and says Dallas women are really aggressive.  He said he was old fashioned and believed that men should chase.   So I definitely have a tendency to go for what I want (I call that assertion) and I’m usually considered aggressive.  So I decided to play the fall back game.  After the date Ernest text me to tell me he really enjoyed himself and hoped that we could get together soon maybe for a gym date.  I was like bet!! FINALLY….. a date with a civilized regular schmegular degular dude that wasn’t a serial killer or abuser.  I had no red flags to go off not even yellow or orange.  Hallelujah there’s hope!!!!

A week or so goes by I don’t really hear from him; a few pleasant texts here and there. Then one day Ernest invited me to a card party with some friends.  I went it was cool had a good time but I didn’t get any flirt vibes.  He didn’t really try to spend one on one time.  He didn’t try to touch or sit close to me or anything.  After the blind date he gave me this sexy bear hug so I know he isn’t shy.  I wrote the card party off as maybe he isn’t into PDA.  A week later he invited me to a house party at his crib.  I go it was fun; met some more of his friends. But still no intimate interaction.  The most I got was him putting his arm around me at one point.  So now I’m kind of anxious to get him alone.  I’m like hopeful he asks me out on a real solo dolo just the two of us date.  Another week goes by before Ernest even texts me.  It went something like:

E: Hey there

Me: hey you how are you?

E: I’m good  just got finished working out got a long day in the office

Me: That’s whats up.  Yay for gym time.  I’m going myself.

E: yup

Me: so did u have a good  weekend

E: didn’t do too much just kinda chilled

Me:  chill weekends are sometimes much needed

E: yup

I’m lookin in the phone like “Well damn is he going to ask how I am doing? How my weekend was? What I did?” I begin to think maybe this is a skill thing, maybe he’s not a texter and I’ll wait for him to call or ask me out.  Two more weeks go by and I don’t hear from him then he texts same kinda energy.  I ask a few convo starter questions he gives response NEVER ASKS ME SQUAT.  This happens two more times and by this time I’ve noticed the pattern and decided not to ask any questions or lead the conversation.  If all he gives is responses, I’m just going to respond to his responses.  Then I started thinking, “well maybe he doesn’t know I’m interested lemme throw him a little bait” I respond within the sequence of messages “when do I get to see you again?”  He tells me he is headed to an out of town work trip for a few days and may have time the day before he leaves.  I tell him I’m available that day and to hit me up when he knows for sure. That day comes and goes no text no call.   Almost 2 weeks go by before I hear from him.

E: Dev!!!

Me: Whats goin on?

E: Man just got back from my trip the other day. Been on the grind since I touched down

Me: Cool busy and can be good

E: yup

****2 hours go by***

Me: Hope you enjoy the rest of your work week sir.

***no response***

 

At this point I’m like  f*** this s***….. I’m over it…

Let me tell you something, I have a 6-8 week window for dating.  Within 6-8 weeks, if we live within an hour of each other we should have seen each other at least 3 times.  I get schedules get busy and vacays and all of that, HOWEVER, people make time for who and what they wanna make time for.  Plus, I’m not looking for no darn pen pal.  I don’t wanna just text and talk on the phone when I have the ability to see you face to face.  I like to experience things WITH people.   If I can’t lay eyes on you I get bored!  Honestly, I’ve been bored with dude.  After the irregular communication started I just figured he wasn’t interested and would stop reaching out but he keeps texting and I can’t understand why when he clearly doesn’t think enough to ask how I’m doing.

I don’t think I’m reading this wrong.  I think it exceeds a skill thing; It’s more than communication glitch.  I quite frankly, don’t think he’s that interested.  Unless there is something else going on in his life that he hasn’t disclosed.  All I know is….dating shouldn’t be this hard and I’m no longer in the business of forcing things.  This is where I yield to organics.  Chemistry is organic and although I felt vibes on the blind date,  I haven’t felt them since.  I’m a firm believer men go after what they want.  If he was that interested, he would follow through on us getting together for that gym date.

Dah well….and I was kinda rooting for dude too.  He wasn’t cray and  had the Big 3s: own house own car and a job.    Dang I just wanna do fun cool tings dem with a nice guy that makes me laugh and makes me perculate a little bit. Is that too much to ask for?

Mmm mmmm mmmm… NEXT!!!