A DatingWithDev secret

Ok so it’s not really a secret.  Those in my circle are well aware and I inform my gentleman callers as well.  But I’m often inspired when I read the stories of others on a similar journey and I think someone reading this blog needs to hear this from me.  It’s counter cultural and I think it has impacted the kinds of men that stick around with the kid.

I practice abstinence.  I have been abstinent for over 2 years.  I would like to say I’m practicing celibacy but let’s be honest, that’s going to be really hard.  But it’s doable.  Abstinence for me means no sex of any kind, no masturbation, no porn, no…..NOTHING!🙄🙄

You ever feel like you’re forcing something you shouldn’t? Like you keep doing it…. not getting the result you want and it’s comes with so much drama and stress and effort and guilt and shame…you don’t even enjoy it…you don’t even feel like yourself doing it….and you know damn well it shouldn’t be this hard? Yeah that was me.  So I stopped. I just stopped.  I was tired and wanted something different.  This isn’t my 1^st run at intentional abstinence and I reflected on the success of that attempt and decided it was worth another shot.

Let’s be real here, it’s not like my sex life was LITTY (did I say that right?)🎻🎻.  I haven’t had a boyfriend in a million years.  My career ambitions and lack of strong candidates kept me from making fruitful connections.  In addition to that, spiritually I felt out of sync.  And after some soul searching I realized these toxic situationships (I dare not call them relationships) that I stayed in out of false intimacy were leading me away from my purpose.  Sex (and the lies that accompanied it) was clouding my vision, cluttering my space.  I was entertaining pure foolishness because to be honest I didn’t want to feel alone and I needed to feel in control.  It wasn’t about controlling other people as much as it was controlling something in my life when I felt everything else was uncontrollable.

Imma just lay my cards on the table, I’m a total head case, like hot mess.  I’m the girl that overthinks EVERYTHING. Omg what if I get pregnant?  Has he been tested? If I get pregnant is he gonna be dope or deadbeat? Why hasn’t he called? Should I call?  Do I look thirsty if I wanna see him?  Is 4x this week too much? Did we do too much?  too little?  Was it bad? Will it get any better? Why is my period late? Did the condom break? Does he think I’m fat? Was I snoring? How do I tell him I don’t even really like him like that? Do we go together? Should I ask him that? Is this “thing” a secret or nah? What if he is turned off? What turns him on? Hell what turns me on?

Ok maybe I’m exaggerating….a little. 😏But you get it. I couldn’t keep living like that. LOL  Baby, needs peace. I need to look over at my man and know I’m fairly secure in the type of father he will be…I actually like him…we’re safe to try new things emotionally and sexually free of judgment…he is going to call me later because he is coming home later… just simple things.

So here’s my truth about my abstinence journey: without sex I can form truly intimate connections with others.  I can observe more clearly their (and my own) intentions and character.  I receive them as they are and not as someone I want them to be or because of a desire they fulfill for me.  I don’t choose to ignore warning signs.  I’m not bound to anyone and it’s easier to cut ties when needed.  I have peace.

It’s a huge spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical discipline.  It’s counter cultural. Yes, my panties still fall off when it looks like an NBA champion stole his teammate’s MVP trophy 🏆and hid it in his grey sweatpants during the parade. 🙈👀😜 My vagina did not fall off, it still works. (Someone asked me that in real life.)  However, I’m grateful to be a part of a faith community (Christianity) that supports abstinence.

My own “discipline”/behavior is not and would never be enough.  I would not have true peace about my decision, I would not be able to withstand the overwhelming cultural and social temptations (like @AlphaBlackMen or the Game’s Fine N*gga Friday posts on IG😜🙈👀) if it were not for a relationship with Jesus through reading the bible, prayer, and a support system.  Jesus gives this thang a greater purpose.  God doesn’t hate sex.  Sex is beautiful and powerful, hence its ability to produce life.  If I had to guess, God is #TeamAbstinence not as a means to punish, deny, or control us.  He created us.  He created sex for us. He knows how we feel about sex.  But also He knows the seen and unseen, short and long term power of sex.  Kama Sutra, Tantra, Taoism (yup I’ve studied it all) talk about the spiritual, psychological, and physiological power of sex, sexual positions, and intimacy.  They say you can produce orgasms without even laying hands on someone.  For Christians, we’ll let everyone else in the world tell us about sex but won’t heed to the instruction of the one who created it.

God loves us, he wants to protect us.  There’s a greater purpose, a bigger picture to everything he is doing in our individual and collective lives.  I think sometimes we miss *it* being focused on little pleasures that can deceive, distract, or destroy us.  Sex is a slice not the entire pie. I wanted to get the best God has for me.

And for those who desire to be married, if you have real married friends that keep it on a hunnid thousand trillion….they will tell you there will be seasons when sex is not an option (work, schedule, kids, pregnancy, health, emo and geographical distance, in laws, etc.).  If you can’t learn to love AND LIKE a person absent sex I’m just not sure what that relationship looks like long term.

So….you may be wondering how this is received when I tell potentials they aint gettin none.  It usually goes like this, it starts off as really respecting my boundary telling me there aren’t a lot of girls out here like me. Then they tell me they don’t know if they can do it but they admire me. They ask 999 questions. Then they try to test my gangsta boundaries.

This will be the topic of the next live video on Periscope later this week.  I’ll share a few responses I’ve gotten, how I feel about those responses, and I want to hear from you about your thoughts of abstinence amid cultural influences that promote sexual liberation and expression (could you do it? Are you doing it? How you’ve done it? Would u consider trying it? How would you take it if I told you I was abstinent on a first date?)

Let’s chat…see you then

-Dev