The Bae Chronicles: Summer Crushed

­­­­­Truthfully, I’ve been dreading telling this story for some months because if I write it…then it’s real. Can’t recall the last time I’ve been so hopeful for a relationship.  Or the last time I met anyone that made me feel like he did does. Actually…it was about 10 years ago.  And though this time it was brief and long distance, it felt right. It felt good. But I guess I got what I asked for, a summer fling.

About 13 years ago, I met this guy.  I thought he was cute, quiet, a little timid but he seemed like a good guy.  I remember making him laugh and he had a beautiful smile with beaming eyes that tightened when he erupted with laughter.  He was a creative.  I don’t remember how we crossed paths.  Though we knew the same people, we didn’t really have mutual friends.  I just remember finding reasons to hug him when I saw him.  That was the shy me communicating I was interested.  Maybe I was secretly hoping that in those embraces he would notice something about me that would propel us beyond the friend zone.

Fast forward to earlier of this year.  I’m perusing Facebook.  Removing all the people FB swears I know.  His picture appears and I think, “WOW!! HE grew up and looks good.” Second thought “I thought we were already facebook friends?”  I send the friend request.  He soon accepts.  His first message to me was on my wall and he said “heeeeeeeyyyyyyy Dev” and used some flirty emoji.  Instantly I knew he was thinking the same thing I was thinking, “The glow up does a body good.” We exchanged pleasantries.  I slid in his inbox.

“Hey do you have Instagram?”

“Hey yeah I do.”

We instantly followed each other, but for the record he DM’d first but I shot the first shot.

 “Did I ever tell you I had a crush on you back in the day?”

“Seriously? No! you didn’t.”

“yeah I thought you were cute and really nice. But u seemed shy.”

“I was very. I think you are beautiful and always been mad chill.  Didn’t really know myself back then was still growing.”

“Weren’t we all?! The glow up is real and this beard you have is hot.” 

“You know what I remember about you from back in the day?”

“No what? Oh God I was a hot mess.”

 “I remember you giving the best hugs and I have this distinct memory of you making me laugh.” 

“You’re lying!!! My memory sucks but no BS when I saw your picture the first thing that came to mind was me making you laugh about something.”

“You were mad funny and had a great body.”

Everything about him was sooooooo my type. Brown skin, fully bearded, big facial features, stocky built, taller than me, an artist/creative, music and movie lover and not just Black people stuff.  I was attracted to his everything.  As we conversed via IG and phone about life since the last time we’d seen each other, my adoration increased.  He was smart and funny, gentle but very masculine. Thoughtful and intentional in all things.  What I liked most was the fact that he talked about some jacked up shit he’d been through from college, to family, and romantic failures but he never sounded like a victim or like he was entitled.  He was honest and resilient; bruised but not broken. And his ability to overcome was my favorite characteristic. He knew his faults and was actively working on himself. It was refreshing to meet a Black man that knew better and was doing better.

We clicked.  He was as into me as I was him. As he put it “we vibrate on similar frequencies.” One night he said, “well I want to be more than your friend but I get that it is good to start off as friends. I’m very attracted you not just physically. I love how smart you are that’s a really sexy thing to me. You are very blessed.  I’m enjoying getting to know each other and I could see building with you.”

Day texts turned to late night calls and video chats. You know it’s real when u wake up to talk to a person in the middle of the night. We had nick names for each other and everything. I was being vulnerable and it was scary af but I decided to push through anyway.  We’d started telling our friends about each other and how dope the other person was.  At his suggestion, we began planning his trip to Texas.  Long distance seemed doable but we craved being together physically as the intimacy increased. When he invited me into his creative space by asking for my help brainstorming a written piece, I was like WHOA THIS IS HUGE!!  He coached me through some rough family moments and personal struggles.  He cheered me on as I tackled then ultimately celebrated The Exchange Chicago. He was so supportive. He never made me feel crazy even when I was being crazy.  He really allowed me to just be. I needed that.  And I gladly returned that to him.

His past relationships were with some pretty awful women. I was not there to tear him down.  I wanted nothing more than to love on him and encourage him to be the best version of himself.  I enjoyed his company, even if it was only virtual.

A few weeks before we reached the 2-month mark, he started having drama at work.  I could tell it was taking a toll on him. He was talking about work more. He was also not having the best of time co-parenting and his inability to see his child was also taxing.  He was pouring himself into his art. I thought that was healthy and a beautiful thing.  Then one day the tone of his messages changed and the messages got shorter. The nightly phone calls and video chats stopped.

It went from” good morning Queen” to “Hey busy right now.”  He stopped asking about my day or if I was ok.  One day turned to 4 then 7.  My instinct was to abort the mission.  This was all too familiar and I was not ready for the inevitable disappointment.  I decided to use my grownup words to express how I was feeling and what I was observing.

“Are you okay?”

“Hey I was asleep.”

 “Why does it seem like you became distant all of a sudden? Like there’s a disconnect? What happened? Is it about you coming here?” 

“There’s not… just occupied with the kid and doin’ too many things a lil down about stuff” 

“Down about what?”

“I’ll call you in a few.”

We video chatted for hours.  He told me he was stressed out with work and his mindset was being affected by the craziness at his job.  He stated that he felt embarrassed telling me that.  I thanked him for his transparency and told him I overstood where he was because I had been there. I reassured him that he was doing the best he could given the circumstances.  He told me how his exes weren’t like this.  When he was down they bounced out.  The conversation ended with us picking out shower curtains for my new apartment.  All seemed well. But there were some things I wanted to say to him that I didn’t say so I sent this long ass text about my relationship standards, boundaries, and observations.

“I need time to respond to this appropriately.”

It took him days to adequately respond.  Over the course of those days, not one single initiated call or text. NOT ONE!  I started freaking the eff out like “okaaaaayyyyy did I say too much? Did he understand what I was trying to say? Was that too strong?  Maybe I shouldn’t have texted it.”  I tried to be normal and send regular text messages. They were met with dry responses.  Every day, I died of disappointment and confusion. After about 5 days of not responding to my text essay, I got tired of faking like it was okay to avoid me.  I started feeling angry and hurt. Flashbacks of all these other failed relationships were flooding my mind.   Just before I blocked him on all social media…he broke his silence.

“Just…I’m trying to get more serious with things that are around me.  It would be too stressful for me to be with someone so far so soon.  Sorry to avoid you just I hate being negative. If I got to build with you I would want to see more of you. Sorry to be weird It’s not in malice at all.  I don’t like being that guy.”
I literally heard the soft but firm closure of a big thick and wide door. My heart sank. WTF just happened!!!  What changed? Is it someone local? I scrapped at the straws in my mind. I knew this was coming!!  Should I be angry or hurt or sad? Yes. No. Be a reasonable thoughtful adult. Say something graceful Dev,

 “Thanks for the explanation and the honesty.  I’m definitely disappointed. But I’ll take that over the silent treatment. I was willing to work out the details of everything if we were going to work this out.”  No response from him. 

How tf do men do this?  How do they turn their emotional switch to off and just walk away like it never happened?  Like words weren’t said and plans weren’t made?  How? How do they do this?  And why does this keep happening to me? Why am I not worth the risk of trying? TRYING!! What’s so scary about me? Felt all crazy like “Did I make this all up?  Was this all game?” Damn so that’s it? Like no let’s just be friends? Oh!! that’s right you don’t wanna be just my friend.  Sooooooo, I’m supposed to wake up tomorrow and just stop giving a damn about your life? Your art projects? Your kid? Your family?  Your job?

It was only a few months but gosh it was an intense few months for me.  But just like that, it went like it came…suddenly. Four weeks later, many tears, and a lot of praying (for him and for me) , I got to a place where I didn’t think about him EVERY SINGLE DAY. I couldn’t locate my “EFF THAT NIGGA” button though.  Or maybe I was pressing it but it wouldn’t launch. It still hasn’t.  I still care. I still wonder what he’s up to and pray for his come up and glow up.  I just wonder if he cares too; if I mean as much to him as he does to me. Being a hopeless romantic, I would love for our paths to cross or a flame be reignited. My pride won’t let me be a fool or a doormat deaux. I’m a great woman and I’m worth the risk.

One take away from this is that I’m still capable of loving and connecting. My heart isn’t so cold after all.  The right guy will be too scared of losing me to let something like distance interfere with what he truly wants. We’ll see how this plays out.