2017 Resolutions

Wanna listen to the blog instead?  Click here: Dating With Dev Podcast Ep. 1 2017 Resolution  *Music by Courtnie follow her on Insta @KingCourtnie*

Hey y’all!!!

Happy 2017!!! I know I know it’s already the end of January .  Life has been crazy for me as I’m sure it has been for you.  But we is back in this thing and I’m exciting for what 2017 has for each of us but especially for DwD!!!

As you can tell we are taking a slight shift in the publication of the blog.  We have transitioned to a read and listen format.  I appreciate everyone for the love and feedback in 2016 to make this a bigger better platform.  The goal for 2017 is to leap off of the pages and into your real lives by hosting events and speaking engagements in your cities.

Alright, now that business is out of the way let’s have the DwD year in review with my 2 worst encounters of 2016.

1. Big Fine Man: For my long time followers this is the guy I did my FB live video about

• Entrepreneur and engineer 40s never married no kids
• Mama was an evangelist
• Loved kids
• Asked me out right after meeting me didn’t dilly dally
• Dinner and the conversation was amazing he was gentleman
• Made it to the dance spot it wasn’t super organic he gave me freak a leak vibes
• He knew I was abstinent and gave me the its admirable speech and how he could dig it (LIES)
• When it got too hot in the venue and I got tired I told him I would want to leave in an hour he said very supportively and nonchalantly, I mean if you’re ready to go we can just leave now. I asked are you sure? He said yes.  So we leave.  I let him drive me there from dinner.
• I try to make conversation with him he is giving one word answers. I could tell something was wrong so I got quiet.  Meanwhile he is scoffing.  We get 2 blocks from my car but we are stuck in like 20 min traffic next thing I know he just goes off on me about how rude I was to wanna end the date and ruined a perfectly good night.  It must have meant I didn’t have a good time with him.
• At this point I was trying to decide if I should kick those heels off and haul tail down the street to my car or put on my therapist hat and deescalate. It became very real to me why getting in the car with a stranger is a bad idea and that him being big and fine meant he could out muscle me.  His arm was as big as my head.
• Deescalated the hostility but when it came time for me to get out of the car he drove passed my car and parked to continue talking. The entire time guilt tripping me about “ruining the date” asking me what I was going to tell my sister telling me how he doesn’t even take women out like that anymore and he missed an event for a good friend for the date and I ruined it.  Then proceeded to plan for me to sleep over at his house the next date stating that he would pick me up from my house 45 mins away or meet half way and because he wouldn’t want me driving late at night back home I could stay with him. He also planned how we could take turns attending each other’s church services.
• I agreed to all that ish just so I could get out the car. I got in my car and sobbed.   I was overwhelmed by his possessive energy and manipulative spirit. It was so strong hell I was trying to make sure I hadn’t ruined the date.  But the issue wasn’t a misunderstanding or miscommunication.  It was about a lack of respect, kindness, and emotional regulation.  A woman should never be made to feel that way on a first date.  Me saying I was tired and wanted to leave early after articulating that I had been up since 6 am and needed to go to 8am church service, should not have yielded such passive aggressive (then aggressive) behavior.  He could have handled that with more tact and decorum but he didn’t because he’s controlling.
• When he texted the next morning, I told him about himself and told him to lose my number.

2. The stalker

• Met him on OKCupid (don’t do it)
• He was from outta town but was in town helping his sick parent. Thought that was admirable.
• The conversation started out cool he was a little needy.  Talked about his past relationships a lot.  But he was funny and had similar interests he started showing signs that he cared and let me vent about my day and was pretty supportive.
• He kept wanting to talk about sex even though he knew I was abstinent that was a major turn off/red orange flag but I tried to let him make it.  I thought maybe he had awkward social skills which he did but I wasn’t wrong about this.
• Another orange flag was him not asking me on real dates.  I allowed him to meet me casually at one of my favorite little hang outs when I was with my sister *Safety rule violation hold on to that for later.* Then after that he just kept wanting to meet up and I was like NO ask me on a date in advance if you want to see me. One day the closest he got to asking me on a date was asking if I had eaten dinner yet and if I could meet in a few hours.  I had on a work out outfit but my hair was combed I said yes because if he didn’t like it he would know to ask me earlier.  We went to this nice restaurant and he told me he was more interested in the company than my clothing and that I looked beautiful.  *Swoon moment right* Date turn off though, him not wanting to tip the waiter.  The food was like $100 or more for the both of us.  He didn’t like the deviled eggs but he and the waiter vibed about home repair and the waiter was great to us. He was trying NOT to tip the waiter the min 15% I tried to be nice and dainty about it but because I don’t hide the expressions on my face well he could tell I was getting annoyed.  I finally was like “Tip that damn nice man $25 and let’s go! I’m going to the car” I started grabbing my ish and getting up from the table.  He tipped him…properly. So we get to the car and we’re saying our good byes I had no intention on kissing him esp. after that scene but he bear hugs me with my arms pinned to my side and tries to force me to kiss him. He tried to make it playful but then he started squeezing tighter and would not let me go.  I got rapey vibes from him. I was uncomfortable.  But this was the beginning to a theme with him.  He would invite me to eat and feel like he had access to my body.  I had to redirect him.
• I basically called things off with him because he was creepy.  He told me I was over-exaggerating by feeling uncomfortable. He began showing up to places where he knew I hung out.  I ended up stop attending a lot of events I normally enjoyed because I kept running into him and he kept being awkward.  He would stare at me and not speak or would confront for not hearing from me.  I ran into him New Years Eve he stalked me around a venue for over an hour and then disappeared.

All of this kind of dating led me to  my 2017 Dating Resolutions

1. Be too busy for lames,

but not too busy for suitors.  Thinking about the adjustments I have to make in 2017 for the relationship of my life, I realized I have to stay preoccupied but the issue is finding balance.  See, all the lames that I entertained far longer than I should have crept into my life when I was bored as hell.  I was unemployed or between semesters or had way too much free time after work so I used them to fill my empty spaces.

This kind of makes Trusting My Gut a sub goal of this goal because.  Truthful I can spot one these guys a mile away.  I know one fa sho once he opens his mouth.  I know that being bored leads me to “exploring” their lives knowing I’m not that interested and I tolerate way more than I should and end up annoyed with them and mad at myself.

The careful 2 step comes in not being so preoccupied that I can’t make time for the legit suitors.  When guys ask about my job or my schedule or my time and I tell them about my work and social activities they make it sound like I’m impossible to book for a date.  (And I might be.) But all of that is in the past and I’m going to not sound so busy or not be so busy and make myself available.

2. Be open.

Not stupid. When I told the Best I wanted to be open she kind of groaned and grumbled in the phone like I was making a mistake.  I’ve noticed that when you say open or vulnerable people think you mean anything goes. NO MAAM PAM.  It’s like any establishment you gotta be open to get customers but just because you are open doesn’t mean you will accept anybody. “No Shoes No Shirt No Service.” Same rules apply here folks.  I have some basic standards for my business.  I am my business. But in order to see who’s a potential I have to give people a chance.

3. Head first

Heart second. Vajay last.  Although as previously disclosed I’ve been practicing abstinence for a while, all my body parts still work.  Sometimes too well.  As in I look at how fine he is and end of focusing more on the sexual chemistry than the spirit, personality, character, heart, etc.  Yes sexual attraction is important in a relationship but if all I wanna do is jump your bones then I’m back to 2010 and that ain’t what we are on!!

These are my top 3 goals for 2017.  I think it’s totally doable.  I anticipate you holding me accountable as I share my dating adventures.  And as always I would love to know your/goals/ resolutions/plans for dating in 2017.