Idk about yall but to me it sounds mad cheesy to tell someone to date themselves in their season of singleness. Like how many times have we heard this???? The reality is that ish can be as wack as it sounds. We all want to be with someone. But I think in our natural interest to partner we undervalue the power of meeting our own needs and learning to regulate our own emotions. If we seek out others to meet our needs, we are setting ourselves up for failure. People will fail you!! Period. And when they do, you will seek out their replacement instead of relying on your own capabilities to deal with whatever it is you are feeling. They don’t always fail us with malicious intent. Sometimes they just drop the ball cuz ya know no one is perfect and life happens. We’ve seen this play out in relationships; it typically leads us to cheat emotionally or sexually. My honest thoughts are if we spent more time learning ourselves in our single seasons we would develop the skills and the confidence to meet our own needs and clearly communicate to our mates, what those needs are and when those needs aren’t being met.
If you have found yourself saying or asking “I don’t even know who I am anymore.” “I feel like I’ve lost myself in this relationship.” “Who I am?” “What happened to me?” “I need to get back to me” then you should consider dating yourself for a while.
I started dating myself after a 5 year situationship. I spent the majority of my time and talents on someone else’s career and when it ended, I felt I had nothing and nowhere to go. I realized I had used him to fill in the gaps. If I wasn’t working for/with him then I was looking for him to hang out in leisure; not to mention we lived together for a spell. At the end, I was left to deal with my boredom. Ironically, he had a saying “only boring people get bored.” And he was right. So when the ceremonious “eff that ninja girl get back out there” club hopping didn’t do the trick, I had to figure out what I was going to do with me. I needed to learn what made me, me. What made me interesting (#BeYeInteresting shout out to my girl @ModernDayMuse). I needed to explore the depths of my needs, discover my dislikes, strengthen my identity, and tailor what I was truly looking for in a mate.
I reminded myself that a relationship should not dictate my ability to enjoy life or have companionship. So, I started engaging in things that brought me happiness. One of which was learning; which led to me researching graduate counseling programs and careers and it ultimately led me where I am today. I found myself and my calling. Just like when I moved to Seattle with no real support system, I had a choice to let the melancholy or fearful spirits lead me to misery or I could let freedom and curiosity lead me to adventure. I chose adventure. Here is a list of some of my favorite self date activities.
Top Five Favorite Self Dates
- The movies.
There’s nothing like going to the movies alone. There is no arguing about what’s about to happen next. “Ooh is she bout to ___” “Guh ionno I’m watching it like you hell.” There’s no confusion about what you want to see or what snacks to order. If you decide to be gangsta and hop shows you can cause it’s your time and your time only. And when it comes to renting/streaming movies, I choose what I want and I get to laugh cry yell and rewind in peace.
- Go out to eat (especially dinner)
Yo I will put on cute clothes and pick a restaurant I want to try or even a favorite and just go hang out with me. I refuse to starve because I don’t have company. It allows me the time to catch up on phone calls or text messages. As a creative that loves people watching, it’s an inspirational time as well. I get to be a voyeur and study couples or other singles on the prowl. It’s also an opportunity to meet new people esp if you are dining at the bar. Plus, you ain’t gotta worry about who getting the tab (see: https://datingwithdev.wordpress.com/2016/10/09/will-this-be-separate-or-together/)
- Home Improvement/Decorating
I really found that I love creating my own space. I’ve moved around a lot in my lifetime even as an adult so my space always felt temporary or if I was living with my parents I was restricted to their rules or likes. Being on my own in my own apartment allowed me to define what my safe space looked and felt like. It became my sanctuary. Until then, I did not realize how my home impacted other areas of my life. I literally met my own needs by placing things in my home that I required for balance and comfort. From the colors to the motivational artwork to incense and candles; everything made me more comfortable being alone in my space as opposed to searching for it out in the streets.
- Cooking
Listen. I know you see the pictures now but baby there was a time when I could not cook. My food was too salty or I used the same old seasonings over and over again. Cooking gave me anxiety because my mama is the cooking Queen. She can make you a Mississippi meal and a Jewish Kosher meal and they will be equally delicious. Living on my own and dating me I started trying recipes for fave foods and new dishes. It started out as a wifey in training situation but I quickly became comfortable in the kitchen and found it to be something I truly love and enjoy sharing with others. Future self date will include a cooking class.
- Dancing
In Seattle and Dallas I attended swing out/Chicago stepping classes. Dance has always been my 1st love and it’s great exercise. It also allowed me to meet other people that also enjoyed dancing. Recently, I met a 50 year old woman, divorced, mother of two adult women and she explained that she dates herself regularly. She joined a dance group without any of her friends and she attends the group’s events, SOLO. She said “You know what, no one is going to stop me from enjoying my life. There are many things people won’t do that I want to do or have done. If I waited around on them I would have never done those things, things that I enjoyed very much. I don’t need someone coming with me complaining about this or that. Because even though I may go alone, I’m not at the events alone. There are other people there that like the same things I like.”
Honorable mention: It’s not really an activity but it is something I noticed while partaking in self dates. TAKING MY TIME. Whether it was changing my route home from work to enjoy the scenery and listen to music, or taking my time getting dressed, or even lingering at the dinner table, I’ve found myself taking my time more than when I’m with lovers or friends. I get to really be present and enjoy the full experience of whatever it is that I am doing. It’s one of my favorite parts of dating myself and I could not go without mentioning it.
Wishlist Item: Definitely would like to travel alone at some point. Maybe not alone alone but without my inner circle and with a travel group but in my own room.
Maybe these are or are not your groove, that’s totally cool. The point is finding the things that are your groove by pushing yourself beyond your limits of comfort. Here’s the truth, no one else can make you happy or complete. They can (and should) add value, enhance, or magnify what’s there but create it, they cannot. Your happiness ends and begins with you. So, if a healthy relationship is what you desire, if you are recovering from a break up or divorce, or if you are in a relationship and you feel your self slipping away, I encourage you to make time to date yourself. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
I would love to hear if any of you go on self-dates. Why? What are some of your favorite activities? How has dating yourself impacted you or your dating relationships?
-Dev
Dating with Dev 