A few months ago I was online dating and saw this guy’s profile. He was light skin, dimples, said he was Christian, had some conservative qualities listed but seemed wholesome in comparison to the other men’s profiles. I normally don’t touch law enforcement or military guys. I watch too much I.D. channel for that. But I decided to see what he was talking about. We messaged a little bit and I gave him my number, my work number, because I wasn’t sure I wanted him having direct contact just yet. I should have followed my instincts.
It took him 2 hours to call me when he said he was going to cal me in 10 mins. By the time he called I was in bed; lights off, hair tied up and everything. The phone rang and the craziness began. All of the red flags for an abuser went off. Having been a Domestic Violence counselor, it either ruins it for you OR saves your life. This guy scared me within 2 mins and I sat straight up in bed and began taking notes, see them below. Keywords: #PowerAndControl
Red Flags
- He called private (CONTROL)
- He is in law enforcement (POWER)
- Lots of emphasis on my title but vague about what he does (INSECURITY)
When he called he got my screener announcement with my title in it. He harped on that for 2 mins. But when I asked what he did, he began mumbling and would not give me a job title.
- Presented himself as attractive, confident, charming refers to himself as a traditionalist relationship wise kept saying I know how to treat my woman (BAIT)
5. Emphasized a woman knowing “her role” and “catering to her man”; very rigid gender roles (SOCIETAL PRIVILEGE)
6. Said when he likes a woman he is greedy and wants things his way not all the time but most (CONTROL)
7. Stated that other people like friends and family don’t matter; it should be just him and her (ISOLATION)
8. Believes the man doesn’t have to be the bread winner but he is the one who “spreads the butter on the bread” (CONTROL)
9. Referred to other women he dated as dumb and boring for their conversation style or lack of ambition (NAME CALLING, DEGRADATION, SUPERIORITY)
10. Talked about women out of his league based on their looks (INSECURITY)
He literally called pretty women out of his league and then stated how dumb they were. Soooooo are you saying I’m not that pretty and I’m in your league??? *insert side eye*
11. Talked about how people were disrespected on their jobs because they aren’t paid their worth. He said everyone is devalued by someone friends family… And he knows how to make you feel valued (not actually value you; MANIPULATION)
He was very self-aware in a creepy way. He said “women will receive anything if it’s said with confidence they just want to FEEL secure.” (MANIPULATION)
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Y’all I was so glad my mother called me so I could get off of the phone with him. I told him he could call me back in 20 mins. I guess he liked me so he called back in 20 mins and when I didn’t answer called back two more times. I NEVER ANSWERED AGAIN.
I’m sharing this because as women we often excuse the early warning signs because we are trying to give a guy “the benefit of the doubt.” Maybe we haven’t dated in a while and think we are rusty. Maybe we are really lonely and just want a mate. Maybe we have a Capt Save’m Little Miss Fix It complex. Maybe he reminds us of someone we once dated or a family member. Maybe his crazy is our normal. There are so many reasons why we choose abusive partners. Socially, we are made to believe we are crazy, paranoid, or too picky when we honor the instincts and inclinations we have about the men we meet. I encourage you to trust your gut. You are not crazy if it makes you uncomfortable. The same people telling you to stay are not the ones who are at risk and have to deal with the consequences. No one comes out and says I enjoy slapping my partner around. Well actually some do and if they do, believe them. But there are other signs of abuse that you can pick up from the language they use, the things that they do, and their expectations or “rules” for a relationship. Be informed, so you can stop it before it starts because leaving is hard and life threatening.
Abuse is about Power and Control. Whether it’s about access to the kids or the money or health insurance, the goal of abuse is to make you dependent upon the abuser and to satisfy some insecurity they are harboring. Emotional and psychological abuse are the hardest to detect and prove. They are the most dangerous in my opinion because the words we are told about ourselves are often replayed and rehearsed in our minds long after the physical scars have healed.
For the rest of this month I will post on common red flags, as well as, safety planning tips for leaving a DV relationship, and how to help loved ones in a DV relationship. Leaving is one of the deadliest moments in the relationship and it should be handled very carefully. Abuse is not gender specific. EVERYONE AND ANYONE CAN BE A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIM. LET’S EDUCATE OURSELVES ON HOW TO HAVE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.
If you or someone you know is in a domestic violence situation and want help please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
Dating with Dev 