Dear Dev,
So, do women have to be more aggressive when interested in a guy? Basically this guy told me that he fell off with pursuing me because I didn’t pursue him enough. But I thought I was being respectful to his sleep because he works nights.
Oh, and when pursuing someone should it just be that one person or leave the options open? But then again I think that’s distracting to have multiples.
Maybe you and your readers can help me.
-Diem
Hey Diem!!!
Girl these are some loaded questions. I’m going to try to answer them as concisely as possible.
First, let’s start with definitions because I have had this conversations with many men and women and I think how we define things makes the world of difference. Assertive or assertion is defined as clearly communicating your wants, needs, or boundaries while also respecting the wants, needs, or boundaries of others. Aggression or aggressive is defined as forcibly imposing ones wants or needs without regard to others wants, needs, or boundaries.
With that said, I’m sure you aren’t or don’t want to be aggressive. However, with anything in life there’s nothing wrong with expressing your interest (being assertive). Unfortunately in the dating realm it’s a very complicated dance. Some men want (and need) to chase but the catch is, they have to think that at some point they can catch.
For instance, I had a guy friend dating a girl friend of mine. They both really liked each other and had a great first date. He was pursuing her by initiating text messages, phone calls, and dates. She was playing too hard to get. She wasn’t responding to text messages in what he considered to be a timely fashion and it was intentional. She wasn’t putting a lot of effort into a second date. Eventually, after several weeks he got burned out of being the only one putting in the effort. No one wants to feel undesired.
Let’s be clear though, there’s no one size fits all to this. I believe in asking upfront what people’s dating styles are during the first date. “Do you like to chase or be chased? Who do you think should pursue who, the man or the woman?” This just keeps down on a lot of confusion. We are in dating culture purgatory, half of us want the traditional “guy pursues and initiates” style and the other half are cool with letting the woman take the lead. You also have to know what you prefer. Are you comfortable with being the dominant one? Or do you prefer to be pursued?
My rule of thumb is match the effort but don’t be too available. I struggle with this too. I am assertive in most things in my life. When I’m interested I let a brotha know, ya heard?! I’m cool with shooting the “hey what you doin later? happy hour or nah?” text. I’ve also been called aggressive, so I’ve tried to tone it down. TBH, there’s something really special about being chosen and sought after. I would much rather have a guy send those messages to me so I know they are equally or more interested. Recently, I’ve been taking my own advice and just asking on the first date what they prefer. That way I know how to govern myself. If he says he prefers to chase I know what role I need to play; dial it back a little. If he is like ‘I think it’s a mutual effort thing’ I assume he wont be turned off if I invite him to some things every now and then. I know a married couple where the now wife invited him on 3 dates first because he was nervous and afraid of rejection. So it just depends. Where we all get messed up is making assumptions based on our own preferences and expectations. There are some things that should happen organically and there are other things that need to be discussed as to avoid petty misunderstandings. In you particular situation, communicating to him that you want to respect his sleep and work schedule and want to know when a good time to text or call is, may have been a better move. He could also totally be bsing you. IDK.
I would be interested to see what my male followers have to say.
Ok last part. Keeping options open? Hmmmmmm. My mama says “Y’all need to learn how to date a little bit.” Another girl friend of mine told me how she dated other guys when she first dated her now bf. She told him if he had a problem with it he should do something about it. I honestly think women anchor down too soon. I’m not saying be a pimp but don’t be serious with someone who isn’t serious with you. Why be committed to someone who isn’t committed to you? And don’t give boyfriend privileges to someone who is just the boo. This is another question for the first date, “So are you casually dating or looking to be exclusive?” And after a few dates it’s ok to check in to see if what you all are doing has changed, “Are we exclusively dating or are you dating other people as well?” You should also know your needs and become comfortable with articulating them. If they aren’t interested you know to move around or stay if you are cool with it. Again, making assumptions and just going with the flow is how windows get bust, tires get slashed, and we end up in situationships.
Moral of the story keep your options open until you all agree to be committed. Even if you aren’t dating other people don’t become too dependent on that person/keep it casual and light until you have a commitment. I tried the pimping thing. I suck at it. I can’t keep up with the facts. I be calling folks the wrong name and everything. Listen, know your strengths. Just say no LOL
I hope this helped. Looking forward to others feedback as well.
Peace,
Dev
Dating with Dev 